Today's Caucasian Female-Guest Contributor: Gillian Van Geslie

Due to technical difficulties, guest contributor Carolyn McElroy was unable to electronically transmit her article to The Disturbing Truth, Gillian Van Geslie has kindly offered to give her “two cents” on the struggles of Today’s Caucasian Female.

Next week, we will analyze the disturbing truths in this soliloquy written from the perspective of a troubled Caucasian female. And while her struggles are very different than that of the females of yesteryear, one can argue that the fight of the female, and thus by extension the fight of the feminist movement, has not ended. Rather shockingly, (especially for the male gender) it has just begun.


Note from the author: Because of the nature of today’s topic, in assurance of the inculcation of a message, strictly vernacular will be utilized. My apologies—I do not mean to soil the sophistication and expression of this author’s admirable writing fashion.

…Woman? I’m not even a woman. I don’t know why I was asked to write this blog, other than the fact that I’m a stuck up white girl, with too many good things going in my life to ever have the right to complain about anything. But for a second, I’m going to take the time and do Arthur Richardson a favor. (Fuck anonymity, by the way. This is your blog, and everyone knows it.) Sure, I’ll complain for you. Willingly.

Today’s Caucasian woman doesn’t even know what Caucasian means. Cock… asian…? No. You’re an idiot, go back to remedial English, ya fugly whore. I don’t want to talk about those bitches, who have nothing better to do than judge what kind of shoes your wearing (even if they are dyke-y). I’m not an idiot Caucasian teenager. I’m not even all Caucasian, and I don cur that I’m revealing this information, sorry Arthur.

I’m gonna talk about what I want to, because I can. I want clothes. I want clothes and shoes and money and lots of it. I want to be the smartest, prettiest, funniest, best at everything. I want to get straight A’s, without trying. I want to be normal. I don’t want to feel like lying when people ask me what school I go to. I want to be able to wake up in the morning and not have to care about what I look like. I don’t want to feel like the world is ending when a boy only answers my text message with “ok”. I want to not be a giant. I wish I wasn’t so critical. I want my parents to care more… I want to get into a good college and grow up and marry someone and have a family with 2 girls and 2 boys and live happily ever after. But more than anything, I don’t want to be insecure.

That is a white teenage girl’s mind in a nutshell. Stupid and petty—but really just insecure when it comes down to it. I’m really not as selfish as I may come off to be, but they say you’re shaped by your environment. Lucky for girls, we live in bitchland. So when you meet a ditz... your run of the mill white girl… don’t be fooled by appearances. She is a victim to upper middle class society’s twisted perspective on life. Give us a chance to live for just a little bit more, and then you can judge. There’s nothing worse than a 16-year-old living in the body of a botoxed middle aged single mom.

P.S. Francis Seamus O’Gura has tourettes. Oh, and I predict J.T. Gadenzy will read this blog and will be seeming with man anger by the end. Good.